Sometimes, when I can't sleep, my brain
decides it's the perfect time to lace up its walking shoes and take a stroll
down memory lane. After all, isn't 2:00 a.m. the perfect time to relive that
awkward moment from 7th grade? I find myself sorting through memories I didn't
realize I'd held onto. As each memory bubbles to the surface, I let myself
imagine what would have happened if things had turned out differently. For a while, I've been wondering how to tell this story; wondering if I
should tell this story at all. It's one of those cringe-worthy stories that has
been keeping me awake at night. In the end, I am telling it now because I think, maybe, it says something important about the power of shame
and the importance of forgiveness.
Not so long ago, I ran into an old friend at an upscale cigar bar. After playing catch up, I worked up the nerve to ask him about a long lost boyfriend. We talked briefly about him and about how we each knew him. I explained that we'd lived together for a
few years; we had even been engaged. As
a point of reference, I said, “We lived together in the little brick duplex.”
He was quiet for moment and then he smiled, “Ooooh, you're THAT Suzy?" His description landed like a gut punch. Days later, I was still rolling his words around inside my
head. A familiar shame had settled over me. I knew that he hadn't
meant to be unkind but his casual description spoke volumes about my history.
He was describing much of my life before I received a proper mental health diagnosis.
Sadly, I understood exactly what he meant.
The memories of that time came flooding back. I remember going days without
sleep, being paranoid and confused. I also remember going weeks without being
able to get out of bed, unable to shower or brush my teeth. I have a very odd
but specific memory of crying inconsolably for a solid week after watching a
documentary about snow monkeys; how something about the human-like appearance
of their hands had made me feel sad and fragile. I remember so many crazy
things I said and did; all the times I embarrassed him in front of his friends
and family. I also remember waking up to find a tube down my throat, pumping my
stomach after an overdose. I remember listening to the doctor explain that I'd
be held for 72 hours in the psych ward of our local hospital. Over the doctor's
shoulder, I can still remember my boyfriend's face: tired, sad, frustrated, and
frightened. I'm sure he had experienced the onset of my illness quite
differently than I had. Even though I will always remember those years as some
of the most painful of my life, I had to admit to myself that "THAT
Suzy" probably did sum up his memory of me.
For the first time, I allowed myself to
really examine those years. I spent quite a few sleepless nights reliving, with
red hot shame, so many things I'd said and done. Then, quite unexpectedly, I
recalled a bit of advice someone gave me, a long time ago: treat yourself
with the same kindness you'd treat someone else - someone you love. That's not
as easy as it sounds. We are often our own worst critics. There are times when
we can be very cruel to ourselves. Still, in the nights that followed, I tried
to view my story from a distance. What if that girl wasn't me? How would I
judge her actions?
Late at night, I let her story unfold. I watched this
troubled girl trying desperately to find her footing. I listened to her search
for the language to describe what was happening to her. I began to realize that
she wasn't just someone's crazy ex-girlfriend. She was a young woman who didn't
understand what was happening to her. She needed help. It really was that
simple.
It wouldn't be true to say that I don't
still feel a bit uncomfortable when I think about some parts of my past. Some
memories will always be painful to revisit. Even so, for the first time in my
life, I finally have a lens through which I can view my past with compassion. I
might always be THAT Suzy to some people, but that doesn't have to define me.
For many, I will be THIS Suzy - a million miles from perfect but further along
my path than before. I wish I could go back and tell that lost girl that things
will get better. I wish I could tell the girl in the little brick duplex about all the good things that are
going to happen to her. I guess maybe I owe my old friend a debt of
gratitude. If not for his off-the-cuff remark about my time in that little
brick duplex, I might never have been able to forgive that lost girl.
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